I was stepping out of my flat to hit the gym today when I saw Koffee with Karan showing on television. I have never been a fan of the show but it always excited me to see how the guests on the show spoke, behaved, joked, and above all – how they fared in the rapid fire! I was always impressed by how comfortable and camera-friendly these stars were and I used to use their style and presentation to measure where I stand in my “star quotient”. Of course, every time I did measure, I found myself to have NO star quotient at all!
So, this time, it was Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan! I saw their rapid fire round and left for the gym. On my way to the gym, I thought that it’s not that these guys crack the best jokes or something! I have been more spontaneous and cracked much better jokes!! However, where these guys score is that they are so comfortable with the other stars (who are often a topic of discussion on the show) and so comfortable with this Karan guy that they actually end up putting a good show and walking away as stars who rule the world! It’s all about confidence – something that all these stars have, something that the others lack, something that I for sure lack!! It has been an area of development for me and I am constantly trying to work on it. There are several times when I walk in for an audition and feel intimidated by the other guys standing there. Why wouldn’t I? These are all tall, fair, good-looking guys who are also good performers! It gives me the jitters and often makes me ask myself – Do I even stand a chance? What was I thinking when I decided that I want to be an actor?? However, I fight this thought and somehow get on with it! And that’s pretty much the story of my life right now..I am fighting my insecurities, trying to gain confidence, and hoping that a day will come when I will get past all these stud boys and grab my dream role!
When I saw Abhishek on TV, I thought – I am 25 years old and I am miles and miles away from where Abhishek has reached today. Alright, he is a Bachchan but I can’t afford to take that as an excuse! There is still so much to do!! I am yet to get my first break! As of now, I am just facing a lot of “not fit”s in most of the auditions I am making it to! Becoming a popular film actor is right at the horizon which as of now looks really blurred! 🙁 I need to be a better actor, a better personality, a better something that I am still not aware of! But you know what?!? I am not going to give up! I will fight!! I read somewhere – A river cuts through rocks not because of its strength but because of its persistence!
I want to be that river!! And I will be for sure!! I will learn all the rules of this industry and then devise a way to break through them! Yes, I am unconventional and that is going to be my strength!! I don’t know what I am going to do and how…when I figure out, I’ll let you guys know!! But I will do something!!
Anyways, I just wanted to share some of my insecurities with you guys. There are many many more which every aspiring actor has to go through. However, all of it is worth the effort and it is this struggle that makes life worth living! I often think how boring my life would have been without this dream. Well, let’s leave that for another post!! 😀
For now, I am strong and steady to face the world again tomorrow! I will go to bed with the hope that I will look better, feel more confident, and find my star quotient in the days to come! And then, I am going to kick some serious ass!! 😀
Good night people. Love you all!